Carolyn Hax: Does the dont-comment-on-bodies rule apply to tattoos?

July 13, 2024

Dear Carolyn: Would just like another opinion, as we are kind of split over here. I say tattoos, if uncovered, are a form of artwork and it’s fine to look and admire, and even comment on.

Caveats: Comments should be positive as a matter of social harmony; there is no social upside to trying to make somebody feel bad about their ink choices. And look — no staring. No, “Can you pull the bra to one side so I can see the rest.” No gawking.

Others in our group says it’s like trying to admire somebody’s wheelchair. Just look away and keep on walking. Your opinion?

— None of My Business?

None of My Business?: Wheelchair? Wha?

Optional self-expression is not a medical device to enable mobility. Unless I’m missing … absolutely everything.

Anyway. You seem to be asking whether it's okay to make (positive!) comments about a stranger's appearance. If so, then I'll say only that it's generally a bad idea, but okay to make, “Hey, nice hat”-type exceptions.

Readers have thoughts:

· I’ve got two tattoos, one easily visible on my upper arm and one on the back of my shoulder. If anyone asks me about my ink, I’ll show them off, as they’re memorial tattoos. And I’ve admired and asked about others’ ink. If they are visible with everyday, casual clothing, then I feel there’s nothing wrong with asking about them. Heck, I’ve even pulled my shirt off my shoulder to show the other one that’s not as visible. I’ll share my art and my reason for it.

· Why do you look away from wheelchairs? Not you, Carolyn, but whoever suggested that to the letter writer. Most people in wheelchairs aren’t ashamed of them. They rely on them to get around.

· Not cool to focus on someone’s different body situations, as in wheelchair, cane, fat, thin, tall, short, etc. However, I always find it nice to be randomly complimented — so long as it isn’t creepy, stalkery, etc. A passing, “Hey your hair looks great today,” from a stranger can be so nice. Whereas a “Boy, you sure look thin today,” not so much. I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with a breezy “Beautiful ink!” as you pass by. A tattoo is a choice someone made. Feel free to appreciate it.

· I have tats and don’t mind someone complimenting, though I agree with “no gawking.” I have likewise complimented others. I chose to get inked, no one chooses to be in wheelchair, so the comparison doesn’t make any sense.

· I tend to ask about tattoos, because I am curious. I also have a disability and receive questions. To me, it’s about intent. When I ask about tattoos, it’s what inspired it, how long did it take, does that area hurt a lot? Nonjudgmental. With my disability, questions are appreciated: “How can I assist?” “How did it happen?” Nonconstructive questions involve judgment, including disbelief — “You don’t seem X, why aren’t you Y?” — and about tattoos, I’ve heard inappropriate questions like, “How could you mark your body like that?” But, “Wow, who did your ink?” — that almost always brings a smile.

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7uK3SoaCnn6Sku7G70q1lnKedZLmqssSsq7KklWR%2FcX6QaGdvZ2BqfKSt0aijsqZdna65edOaq62nn6h6or7TsKaro12YvK65xKerZqGXo7yzsYyfqaKdnpnAcA%3D%3D